From time to time, I find myself in need of an unsexy thought. And I know I'm not the only one who could benefit from a mental cold shower now and again. You know who you are. So, here are a few unsexy thoughts I've collected. What I would really like is to hear from you, the viewers at home. What cools your jets, folds up your futon, puts your sixgun on safety? Mail me your thoughts at htuttle@crunchygods.com. We'll post the unsexiest ones here.
To those submitting unsexy thoughts: let me clarify. Anybody can make up disgusting, violent, horrific thoughts. No thanks. Not interested. What I'm going for are thoughts that are simply devoid of any sexiness. If sexiness is a "10", think of unsexiness is a "0", not a negative number. Get it? This page is here to make you laugh, possibly make you cringe, but never make you sick.
WARNING
I make no promises. Sexiness is a mysterious thing, and what turns me off may turn you on. It's a weird world, folks.
And now, without further ado,
The Unsexy Thoughts
- Abe Vigoda, Abe Vigoda, Abe Vigoda...
- The yellowish, nicotine-stained skin between your mother's fingertips.
- Plain yogurt -- no fruit, no honey, no nothing
- William T. Riker
- If you're travelling at the speed of light, and there's a guy travelling at the speed of light right behind you, and he turns his lights on, can you see them?
- HTML
- The classic Christmas song, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"
- Bad-kissing Frenchmen named Etienne
- It's time to give grandma her bath...
- The filing deadline for all this paperwork is tommorrow.
- Anything concerning the invention of cheese
- Aluminum siding
- Your mother pronouncing the word "obnoxious"
- Spelling the word really with one l
- The MiddleEast
- Overexpired pop tarts
- Nutrition facts of Salt and Vinegar chips
- straw hats
- There seems to be some sort of coin in my sock.
- T.S. Eliot reading his own poetry
- Which do you prefer--PBS pledge drives or NPR pledge drives?
- Is it Spaulding Grey or Spalding Gray?
- filling your mouth with water chestnuts and keeping them in there for ten minutes til the taste really really bad
- drool on the underside of the collar of your winter coat
- drunkards laying outside of a Kinko's at 2 AM
- Making a grown Italian man cry
- seeing a man in military fatigues come out of the woods with a full beard and a steel bat
- Fluorescent lighting
- I think I need a new printer cartridge (try not to think about installing the new cartridge; that might be sexy)
- Tim Conway
- Dog food
- Cat food
- Dust mites
- Can I tie my shoes without using my thumbs?
- What gauge wire conforms to code in Iowa?
- Pesto in my soul patch
- Returning a stack of unwatched videos
- Talking to your mom on the phone
- Why does asparagus make pee stink like that?
- Did you know that Smokey the Bear was based on an real baby bear found by a Forest Ranger after a fire? It's a charming story.
- Tums
- New York Public Transit
- Acid core solder has eaten away the tip of my soldering gun.
- Styrofoam chunks rubbing together
- Hamburger
- Hairy eyelids
- The kids are about to wake up any minute now.
- Putting on a wet swimsuit
- The smell of pennies
- Phylis Schlafley
- Flies on the screen
- What's the difference between systolic and diastolic blood pressure? How does that thing work anyway?
- HTTP stands for HyperText Transfer Protocol- like FTP except not File, Hypertext. Shouldn't that be HTP?
- Square knot, granny knot
- Are my library books due today?
- The Queen Mother Webcam Site
- Microsoft's White Paper on DNS Enhancements in NT Server 2000
- Podiatry in Burkina Faso
- The Making of Olive Loaf
- The History of Gutta Percha: From Golf Ball to Root Canal Liposuction Live!
- A Complete Explanation of the Proper Use of the Semicolon
- From Sea to Sushi: The Story of Yellowfin Processing
- Eye Crud: Where It Comes From, Where It Goes
- Janet Reno Reads the Poetry of Jesse Helms
- Coin Permutations Possible to Accomplish Exact Bus Fare
- Coke has an 800 number you can call for nutritional information.
- Marshmallows
- Haiku
- Wait a minute, this isn't my car...
- What is that, and why does it itch?
- Reading the Book of Mormon
- If I pay the mortgage with this paycheck, I can pay the power bill, phone bill and water bill with the next one... but when do I buy groceries?
- I'm so proud of myself. I haven't played with this zit all day!
- Did the horizontal placement of eyes on most vertibrates develop because of the generally vertical orientation of plant life? Or what?
- When it's really humid my towel goes sour after only a couple showers.
- My compost pile is really coming along.
- Do you think this is a corn or more of a callous?
- Wet socks.
- Last time I drank hot chocolate I really burned my tongue bad.
- What are earwigs? Do they really crawl into people's ears?
- I really should buy a new toothbrush.
- One time I grew my thumbnail out so far that I could bend it back on itself.
- How did Marlon Brando get to look that way? I guess it could happen to anyone...
- I had to throw away my toaster oven.
- int x=y=z=0;cout<<x++<<y--<<++z<<endl;
- my ex
- that guy who had a crush on me in high school
- I need to improve my typing skills.
- So I was playing Dungeons and Dragons the other day and my character...(fill in the blank)
- Fleas
- George W. Bush
- What's that smell?
A big platonic THANK YOU to those who have contributed to this page (you know who you are). Without your efforts, the world would be a much sexier place.
Editor's Note: The font used for the graphic header of this page is none other than Helvetica, winner of the "Unsexiest Font in the Known Universe" contest for the sixty-fourth year in a row.
